very cool collab guys, I thought this was dope.
first verse: I liked the approach here, some very cool ideas executed. I really liked the idea of stretching to keep a heavy heart, as to expand the basin of regret. It was an evocative description. I do think it could have been strengthened by more variance in the flow and rhyme structure, but being so short it didn't suffer much from it. My favorite line:
verse 2: different angle taken here. as opposed to explaining why you are faceless and emotionless, you begin with those attributes understood and describe how it effects you. There was a strong sense of poetic language in this, lots of sleighted phrases ("I have not the slightest reflection") which added a lot of depth to the images. My favorite line:I feel like I'm wasted, not inebriation but my placement
I'd test the sky's limit but I'm just fine in my basement.
''freeze'', wait i need time to collect these thoughts, my sight's
laughter fondles my appearance, & farce stories define my life
verse 3: this was also slightly different than the other verses, as it is more describing what its like to be that way. Very cool. I liked the phrase "poison lisp" a lot. The imagery was vivid, and it wasn't particularly sympathetic, which I enjoyed. I wasn't being asked to understand anything, I was just observing. That's a cool effect when the observations are good. Which they were. Favorite part:
his choices sick, up here wonderin' just where the ointment is,
employed by shit, on the underbelly of the coin that flipped
which is a toy to him. all facts aside, that's reprise. .
he misses the bitter taste of a passin' lie, of passions vibe,
Overall this was a sick collab, very different styles in each verse but it all worked well together. Nice drop.
I'd appreciate some feed on my piece if you guys could give it a gander. Thanks.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...021/index.html
Reply With Quote
