'Freedom With A Fence'..

[Bloom.Quist]

'Freedom With A Fence'

Beings create an illusion...of thier fake security...
Seeking a greater being...to give them this purity...
Minds tell themselves,they will have freedom through the age...
But they cannot hop freedom's fence...locking thoughts in a cage...
Infamous leaders, control citizens...looked upon as slaves...
One foot up, upon the fence, Is only as far as we came...
Caring our young, not telling them of this, simply "protecting" the youth...
Everything symbollic, dive into a question, and yearn to find right "truth"...
Black...white...brown, red, purple and yellow...
Whatever your color, freedom is lost, as thoughts begin to mellow...
The rusty iron wall, spikes through my chest, as I near the top...
Tearing my shirt, applying new dirt...is pain the truth i've sought?...
Freedom with a fence...odd...opposites seem to attract...
Think you are free? To do what you please? Lies bound in your brain,compact...
Hands grip the barrier of metal and rust...can we make it above?...
Or will our leaders strike us down, claiming it out of love?...
Why are we so blind, lost from the truth?...Why can't we look through the lines...
As poetic flows, and unfishied woes, try to turn back, and rewind our times...
As we find, that barriers block our so called yearning "free will"...
And extinguish our goals to a point that we cannott fulfill...
Before you think you're free, pelase check the conspiracies...
Because the fence will always block you from achieving your real dreams...

[Bloom.Quist]

Critisism please...

[Tourniquet]

Criticism

Well, first off I hate the font size. Longer pieces are hindered by smaller fonts as it makes them more laborious to read.

The message was clear and well thought. I kinda felt there were a few lines that really hiccuped the piece, such as

Caring our young, not telling them of this, simply "protecting" the youth...
Everything symbollic, dive into a question, and yearn to find right "truth"...

They kinda ruined the flow a little for me.

Your symbolism is good, some of the lines are very original and fit perfectly. I just feel it could have benefitted from another draft or two, mainly just to straighten out the flow.

Perhaps lessen the length of the lines. Long lines often camoflages any real impact on certain areas of a piece, detracting from it as the reader then tends to read it all on one level, which can become monotonous.

Good work overall, the symbolism is great.. the idea creative. Just think a little fine tuning wouldnt go astray. Cheers.

[Varentao]

It started off a bit akward. It just seems to come at me too predictably in a way. But it quickly picked up flow after that. And really got into the subject matter. Which is something i do agree with. The relative freedom instead of total freedom. Though the value of the term 'relative' becomes greyer and greyer. Dreams that are perpetuated from what is churned around us by media, corportations etc. I could go on...but i feel the rant may soon become mindless. And therefore reveal my swiss cheese wisdom

[Bloom.Quist]

Varentao is back! w00t!


Thanks for feedback.

[Bloom.Quist]

?....

[Mesmerize]

This was a really nice peice Bloom. I really enjoyed the topic to this. I liked how you portayed your thoughts on this, it really connected well with me. The flow was a bit off in the begining but you picked it back up. You also used some nice imagery and emotion in this. You worded things a lot better towards the middle and ending than the beginning I think. But you really hit the topic well and used some nice symbolism like tourniquet said. Keep up the dopeness.

peace,
Mez

[Sublime D]

blah at you for deleting my comment...i jus read this and was about to reply...now im not....


well...ok i will...

this was a little below your previous average in my opinion...far from bad, but far from great...your message was stated clearly, your diction was simple but appropriate, your syntax was good, your meter was ok, and your structure was slightly lacking...this was ok...not your best, but not your worst...

o yeah and...

Luke > Luke

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=160818

[Jizoe]

This poem was hot stayed focus and made your point good shit